To Love and Lose
by redcandle
Summary: Loras Tyrell loves and loses Renly Baratheon. Renly/Loras.


Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and elements from A Song of Ice and Fire belong to George R.R. Martin. No copyright infringement is intended.

Loras had never stayed awake for such a long period of time before. He'd expected to feel desperately tired, and he did, but he also felt as if he had had too much wine to drink. It was said that men sometimes experienced visions from the gods when they stood vigil, and Loras now understood why. The candles lighting the sept cast ever changing shadows, and the wind howled outside. He thought he saw the Warrior beckoning to him, and at one point he heard the Mother call his name in his own mother's voice.

He was supposed to reflect on what it meant to be a knight, but Loras thought of Renly instead. That was a bad idea. His breeches soon became uncomfortably tight. There was no one else in the sept and he was tempted to relieve himself by hand. But the candlelight flickered and the shadowy faces of the Seven grew sterner. So Loras tried to think of anything except Renly Baratheon; his brothers and his sister, the best way to fend off multiple foes, his cousins, the tourney King Robert had announced.

When at last morning came and he knelt before the septon to be anointed with the seven holy oils, Loras feared he wouldn't be able to rise again, that he would curl up on the floor and go to sleep right there. Then Renly touched his sword to Loras's shoulders and pronounced him a knight and helped him to his feet. And suddenly Loras wanted Renly more than sleep.

When they reached his bed chamber, he ignored the meal set out for him and pulled Renly down beside him on the bed. Loras kissed him hungrily, but his weariness returned before they got very far. Still, he would not have stopped, but Renly shook his head and smiled. He put his arm around Loras and pulled the covers up around them. "Sleep," he said, "I'll be here when you wake up."

Loras slept, and when he awoke, Renly was there.

~break~

Renly had made generous contributions to the Faith and, of course, there had been a septon to bless him when he was crowned, but he had never been a believer in the gods.

"Praying? Is that what they call it now?" Loras had asked, after Catelyn Stark had left the tent only last night.

Renly had smiled wickedly. "It gets me on my knees more readily than any sermon. The Summer Islanders worship their gods with their bodies. If we did the same here, I think I would be rather devout."

The wandering septon Loras had accosted on the road prayed over Renly's lifeless body as Loras labored to dig a grave for him. This grove of trees was not very far from Storm's End, but there was no path to follow which would hopefully make it difficult for Stannis's men to locate. That was one reason Loras had chosen this spot to put his beloved in the ground, but there was another.

The trees here were huge and ancient, and had probably stood for millennia before the Andals arrived. The first time Renly had brought him here, he was as awed as if he'd stood in the Great Sept of Baelor or the old sept in Oldtown. When Renly had tried to remove his tunic, Loras had stopped him. He'd felt foolish as a maiden and Renly had laughed at him, but in the end they had only talked and held each other.

It was beautiful and peaceful here, and it comforted him to think that the gods would stand watch over Renly forever, despite the way they had failed him against Brienne of Tarth's treachery. Some septons preached against the kind of love Loras and Renly had, claiming they would be damned to one of the seven hells for unnatural acts. That had never made any sense to Loras. He couldn't imagine the just Father and merciful Mother condemning him for love. Besides, if the septons were right, most of the men in Westeros would burn for fucking whores so at least he and Renly would have plenty of company.

He used his rainbow cloak as a shroud and gently placed Renly into the grave, but it wasn't until the sun began to set that Loras was able to cover him with dirt. The septon prayed again while Loras wept. He might have knelt there all night crying if the septon hadn't urged him to the horses.

"Stannis worships the red god now," Loras told him. "He might want my king's body for some foul sorcery. See that you never reveal its location." He gave the man a purse full of gold in case holy righteousness alone was not enough to ensure his silence.

When Loras returned to the scene where Renly had been murdered, the soldiers and camp followers he found milling about were those loyal to House Tyrell. Most of the lords and knights of the stormlands had gone over to Stannis. He hated them for it. How quickly they had all forgotten Renly. He never would. He would remember him and love him and be loyal to him for the rest of his life.

~break~

He agreed without hesitation when his father asked him to join the Kingsguard and protect his sister. Renly was foremost among his thoughts when he swore his oath and accepted his white cloak. Margaery had worn black and mourned for a moon as Renly's widow, graciously accepting condolences and displaying the appropriate amount of grief. The white cloak would serve as Loras's mourning symbol.

He sometimes found himself wandering into the tower Renly had dwelled in when he'd been at court. The lordling who lived there now was not pleased to see him the first time, but someone must have whispered gossip to him because the next time Loras stopped by he looked at him with pity. Loras ignored it. There was the table where they'd sat as Renly showed him a new book from Lys with scandalous illustrations. That was the window Renly had leaned out of to wave to him when he'd left to visit Highgarden.

But to his horror the sharp pain and grief dulled to an ache and a vague loneliness as time passed. It felt like he was betraying Renly. Jaime Lannister refused him when Loras offered to stand vigil over Lord Tywin in his place, but it gave Loras an idea. He found a nice sept and spent the night there on his knees before the Stranger's altar, remembering.


End file.
